http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com

Thanks to Matt Leiker (friend and east coast trailblazer) this site is now read on a daily basis by myself and my friends. It’s funny because it’s true. Feel free, as I have, to contribute your own stereotypical white indulgences.

Suck It Reagan (National Airport)!

So I was invited back to Kansas with my boss the other day, and naturally I took him up on the offer.  I packed my luggage and hauled that bad boy down to the Metro and all the way to work just to be prepared for my departure later in the day.

Following a rather eventful meeting with a few men, I was told it was time to get to the airport.  My flight had been moved to 7:15, and it was 6.  So I printed my flight info and rushed to the taxi cab circleway.

When I got there, two cabs sandwiched a police van.  A lady cut me off to take the first cab, so I was stuck in the third spot behind the police van and first cab.  The police man let my cabby know there was now way to get out because he wasn’t moving, so in the middle of rush  hour, the cop backed my cab onto one of the busiest streets in D.C.  I was nervous throughout that I would get to the airport, but my fear was only exacerbated when the cabby took us to I-395 to find it looking like a parking lot.

I was getting a bit more nervous, so I checked my flight info again only to find a message from our scheduler.  “Check in before your flight.  Then hit the pavement.”
Shit.  I had not checked in.  There was no way I was going to make it.  And better yet, my phone was completely broken, having found it in a puddle the week before.  I frantically asked to borrow the cabby’s phone, and he handed me his Bluetooth device.  I called the office, but it was too late; it had been closed for the day.  Great.  Without any chance of connected, I sweat it out in the back seat only to make it to the airport with 15 minutes to check in and make it through security.   Here’s what I encountered.

1.  Man yelling at backage check area.  This delayed me by approximately 3 minutes.  I printed my tag, but apparently each employee wanted to see yellow suit coat jackass complain about ticket information.  I eventually got the bag tagged and checked it through.

2.  Security line.  Apparently people haven’t figured out that the “taking the shoes off” thing IS NOT GOING AWAY!  So as is expected, disgruntled minority TSA employees yelled the instructions at rich (yet seemingly illiterate) honkeys   Finally I made it to the front of the line only to find no grey buckets.  This ought to be a charm.  You think computer guy got off his ass to get more gray bins?  Hell no.  Why? Because he’s computer guy.  Computer guy just SITS ON HIS ASS and looks at funny neon-colored shapes.  Apparently C.G.  likes to eat and not exercise as well.

3.  I am selected to be screened for a second security pat down.  You have go to be f*cking kidding me.  Apparently the large black woman said I am “suspicious” and a “potential security threat” which, at that point, I probably was to each of their lives.  I was about to kick some Chris Rock-looking TSA ass.   The man proceeds to check every pair of shoes I have packed and makes me remove various accessories and clothing items.

I finally make it onto the plane and guess who I see.  Weird guy from the meeting before.  He’s trying to stuff his bag into the over compartment as the flight attendant completely bashes him.

F.A.  “That guy is killing me.  You know, there’s no way he’s going to get that bag up there.  I told him that.”

The stream of conscious complaint is quite humorous.

My Not-So-Mobile Mobile Phone

No Worries Ladies, my phone is working again.  And let me tell you what a pain in the ass it is to try to get by with a half-working, not-so-mobile mobile phone.   It all happened one night when I decided to sleep in my brother’s bed instead of the leather couch, which is technically my bed.  Ok, there’s really no technicality in there.  I sleep on a couch.   There, I said it.

Anyway, I put my phone on the window sill only to wake up around 8 a.m. to the sound of Sammy the Samsung shutting off.

I thought it as quite odd that my phone would randomly shut off, so I went to Sherlock the situation.  Much to my dismay, I found Sammy face down in a puddle of water which was caused by condensation from the window (are you happy Bill Nye?  I used one of your fancy science terms).  I discovered that the phone does work when it’s open and plugged into the wall.

So for the past two weeks I was the guy at the bar with my phone plugged into the wall trying to text people.  I was that asshole that would go into Starbucks near the metro, plug my phone in to text you, and meet you across the street.  I was completely technology’s little bitch, but I’m back, baby.  And I’m loving every minute of it.

GIANTS WIN!!!

Tom Brady gets his PANSIE ASS sacked 4 times and David Tyree makes one of the best catches in Super Bowl history! The New York kids are proud of their boys and so should you. If not for the Giants making a win, then for the Patriots FINALLY receiving their proper title of LOSER FUCKHEADS! WOOT WOOT!

I Never Thought Richard Marx Would Do This To Me

Oh, ladies. Sometimes I think I have you figured out. Then after I have imbibed an unhealthy amount of bourbon and lager, I realize that I haven’t the slightest clue what goes on your half-sized brains. Ok, I was just kidding, Bouker. Don’t go all Wellesley on my ass. So today I was assessing my battered (and hopefully deep fat-fried WHISPER I hear grease is good for hangovers and cancer?!) emotions, my former Kanye-sized EGO has been bruised like a kid in a wheelchair trying to take the stairs during a fire drill. And as I thought through how I was feeling, there’s only one song that was running in my head.

After a quick Google search of the lyrics, it became apparent that RICHARD MARX was somehow taking the words right out of my mouth, or mind, or whatever. SO, ladies and gents, I thought I’d share maybe the most appropriate video for the day, not only for its apparent musicality, but also for these hellacious hair styles.  I can’t imagine ANYBODY getting the knob slobbed with a doo like that.

Beards.

OK, so it’s been a while since I made a post. And because Groundhog Day is [was] my favorite “holiday” I thought I would finish up a few posts today. Here is a play back from way back…

Somewhere between the ranks of LAN Party officials and seasonal fisherman with internet access ranks the secret society of Bearded Men. And here I thought 2008 was going to be the year of the mustache.

http://beardteamusa.org/index.html

http://midwestbeard.com/

Honestly, they have regional membership? WTF?! Are these the same people that were in pogs? And their children (assuming any of them got laid) are probably the ones that like that Pokeman shit? OH MY GAUD IT’S A PIKACHU!

Your Moment of Zen:

-cc

Where Have All The Shirleys Gone?

I recently watched that She Wants Revenge “These Things” video and while I hate to admit I dig the song, it left me wondering…where the F has Shirley been? Don’t get me wrong, I love the Kate Nashes and Regina Spektors, but I’m missing a little hardcore/bitchy scottish flair. Then I find this little jewel and…it gave me hope. Hope that Blondie would find some actual pants to wear for the next concert and hope that Shirley would be taking the stage again except maybe NOT on a Lifetime TV special, thanks.

Bad Oranges: My Terribly Exciting Day

So wow, it’s already Friday, and let me tell you what an amazing day I have had so far.  So amazing that I must write about it.   You probably won’t believe what I am about to write, but all of these things did happen today.  Man i LOOOOVE the East Coast.

 I woke up about 15 minutes late today.  While walking to work my headphones (connected to  the… iPod) decided that my left ear does not need sound.  I don’t know if it was a union job or what, but I was pissed nonethless.

 I also found out that is actually snows in D.C.  Who would have thought?  And you know what else?  People are really effing lazy and don’t scoop sidewalks here, either.  It’s almost like living in Kansas.

Other major let downs of the day include:

- eating the worst orange I have ever eaten.  It was like licking orange scented cardboard.  Or eating fruit a Chinese family style buffet.

- having a mildly interesting discussion about the milk left in the bowl after cereal is eaten, to which my discussee and I agree that Cinnamon Toast Crunch is the best, followed by Fruity Pebbles.

- experiencing an awkward simultaneously bathroom visit with a short man wearing a blue shirt.  We little entered, finished business, zipped trou’ and left at the exact time.

- staring at the fakeness of Rachel Ray’s picture on the back of my Wheat Thins box.

Oh, I don’t know if I could ever do this if I were anywhere else. Bleh.

Murray Head is Still Alive

So I was listening to the internet radio and the craptastic/amazing song “One Night in Bangkok” starts playing and I suddenly get to thinking:  What the hell is Murray Head up to these days?

Apparently it’s this:  http://www.murrayhead.org/Biography.asp