Suck It Reagan (National Airport)!
So I was invited back to Kansas with my boss the other day, and naturally I took him up on the offer. I packed my luggage and hauled that bad boy down to the Metro and all the way to work just to be prepared for my departure later in the day.
Following a rather eventful meeting with a few men, I was told it was time to get to the airport. My flight had been moved to 7:15, and it was 6. So I printed my flight info and rushed to the taxi cab circleway.
When I got there, two cabs sandwiched a police van. A lady cut me off to take the first cab, so I was stuck in the third spot behind the police van and first cab. The police man let my cabby know there was now way to get out because he wasn’t moving, so in the middle of rush hour, the cop backed my cab onto one of the busiest streets in D.C. I was nervous throughout that I would get to the airport, but my fear was only exacerbated when the cabby took us to I-395 to find it looking like a parking lot.
I was getting a bit more nervous, so I checked my flight info again only to find a message from our scheduler. “Check in before your flight. Then hit the pavement.”
Shit. I had not checked in. There was no way I was going to make it. And better yet, my phone was completely broken, having found it in a puddle the week before. I frantically asked to borrow the cabby’s phone, and he handed me his Bluetooth device. I called the office, but it was too late; it had been closed for the day. Great. Without any chance of connected, I sweat it out in the back seat only to make it to the airport with 15 minutes to check in and make it through security. Here’s what I encountered.
1. Man yelling at backage check area. This delayed me by approximately 3 minutes. I printed my tag, but apparently each employee wanted to see yellow suit coat jackass complain about ticket information. I eventually got the bag tagged and checked it through.
2. Security line. Apparently people haven’t figured out that the “taking the shoes off” thing IS NOT GOING AWAY! So as is expected, disgruntled minority TSA employees yelled the instructions at rich (yet seemingly illiterate) honkeys Finally I made it to the front of the line only to find no grey buckets. This ought to be a charm. You think computer guy got off his ass to get more gray bins? Hell no. Why? Because he’s computer guy. Computer guy just SITS ON HIS ASS and looks at funny neon-colored shapes. Apparently C.G. likes to eat and not exercise as well.
3. I am selected to be screened for a second security pat down. You have go to be f*cking kidding me. Apparently the large black woman said I am “suspicious” and a “potential security threat” which, at that point, I probably was to each of their lives. I was about to kick some Chris Rock-looking TSA ass. The man proceeds to check every pair of shoes I have packed and makes me remove various accessories and clothing items.
I finally make it onto the plane and guess who I see. Weird guy from the meeting before. He’s trying to stuff his bag into the over compartment as the flight attendant completely bashes him.
F.A. “That guy is killing me. You know, there’s no way he’s going to get that bag up there. I told him that.”
The stream of conscious complaint is quite humorous.
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